A break

There hasn't been much going on in Hamville for about a month, due mostly to my work on other things. And it may be a while before things start popping up again. We'll have synopses of some different restaurants for you to consider when planning your next visit to Hamville, as well as some interviews with some respected Hamvillians. Until then, we're on hiatus, and I'll update everyone in the Bloglish Blog when new things are on the horizon. Feel free to visit the other Bloglish productions, all of which are still up and running.
-Dr. Worm, Mayor of Hamville

Sub Subs

When Donald, Marcus, and Victor Ham founded Hamville in 1944, each provided a restaurant to go along with it. Donald started the Hamville Diner, Marcus opened Ham's Deli, and Victor gave us Ham's Creamery. The Creamery was the first to close, in 1966, three years after the death of Victor. It sort of reappered in 1974 as the You Scream Ice Cream Parlor, though in a completely different format and now run by ghosts. The Diner went under in 1977, three years after Donald's death, and never reopened as a restaurant, though a museum of Hamville history now occupies the premises. The Deli enjoyed the longest success of the three, though it did finally shut down in 1983, two year after Marcus' death.

When Marcus died, he was planning a renovation for the restaurant, one that would emphasize the historical significance of the Deli. His son, Leonard Ham, inherited the restaurant, but decided the renovation would be too expensive and did not follow the plans. In 1983, however, an opportunity arose, and Leonard shut down Ham's Deli.

Hamville residents were outraged. Here was the last remaining restaurant of the three Ham brothers, and Leonard Ham had the gall to shut the place because of some other secret opportunity. Protests mounted around Leonard's home, and the man had to devise other ways of getting to his office downtown to continue with his plans. Within three months, Leonard Ham had become the most hated man in Hamville.

On June 27, 1984, Hamville residents heard the sound of low flying helicopters approaching Hamville. What they saw was four military choppers carrying what a ppeared to be a large submarine. They placed it in Hamville Harbor, and flew away, leaving no explanation.

Obviously, the government officials of Hamville were assaulted with questions, and quickly a press conference was announced. The submarine had been purchased by a local restaurateur looking to open a new restaurant in Hamville. There was nothing sinister about it. They refused to offer any further explanations, but it didn't take long for apprehension to give way to gossip, with people clamoring to try and figure out what the new eatery would be.

On August 17, 1984, a press conference was called to announce the opening of Sub Subs, owned and operated by none other than Leonard Ham. He apologized to the residents of Hamville for the secrecy, but explained that Marcus had wanted it this way. The plans were not exactly what the middle Ham brother had been working on at the time of his death, but in a way, those plans had led to the opening of this brand new version of Ham's Deli. The sandwiches would be the same, but the eating environment would not. Patrons could pass through the sub, pick up their food, and proceed to the deck or the dock to eat. Unfortunately, there was no room on board for the diners. The sub, Leonard explained, was a decommissioned military sub. An anonymous naval official who had been working with Marcus on the new restaurant plans had pulled the right strings to get it delivered to Hamville for a relatively inexpensive price tag.

Sub Subs officially opened on August 24, 1984. There was still a considerable amount of resentment towards Leonard Ham around town, but it gradually wore away. Today, Sub Subs is still going strong, with Leonard Ham still in charge. The sandwiches are exactly what Marcus Ham always provided, and it's a great pleasure to see his legacy live on through his son.

Failures

One of the great things about Hamville has always been the innovation of the restaurateurs that call the place home. Grand designs, seemingly impossible concepts, and unique presentations have always been hallmarks of the city. However, with all the new ways to serve food around, Hamville has also had its share of colossal failures. These are restaurants that, for one reason or another, just didn't work. It could have been a result of poor planning by the designers, or misinterpretation of what the public wanted, or just a flat out bad idea. Here are five of the more notorious failures in Hamville History.

1. The Bubble - The Bubble started out in 1986 as an ambitious project to appreciate nature in its natural habitat, as well as to provide some competition for the recently opened Aqua Tube. However, it just didn't work. The basic idea was to build a large structure in the middle of Hamville Harbor and underwater, with glass walls where diners could look out and see the local fish swimming around. The project was never completed. The expenses were going millions of dollars of budget, the wildlife that did not completely flee the area wasn't all that interesting to look at, and they could never quite solve the problem of how to get people there. The beginnings of the Bubble's structure still remain in the center of the Harbor, in case someone else wants to give it a try. So far, no one does.
2. Drivin' Diner - The Drivin' Diner was simply a double decker bus equipped with tables and a small short order kitchen. The bus would make several stops around Hamville to pick people up and drop others off, then would give diners a moving experience as they tried to eat their dinner. Tried is the operative word here. The unfortunate thing was that no matter what the owners did, every time the bus would take a sharp curve, food and drink would fall off people's tables. This, plus the fact that there were a lot of cases of motion sickness, plus the crowded nature of the diner, plus the length of the drive, plus the problem that if you missed your stop, you'd have to wait at least an hour before you could get off again, made the Drivin' Diner a complete disaster. It lasted for about a month in the spring of 1992, then closed forever. The bus was donated to the Hamville History Musueum, where it can be found in the Hall of Shame.
3. The Petting Zoo - The Petting Zoo was supposed to be a family restaurant where people could come, eat their dinner, and play with the cute barnyard animals. It was built like a barn, with a loft, tables all around, and lots of hay. The animals would walk around amongst the diners. For some reason, it was one week before the restaurant was scheduled to open, in June 1993, before someone in the design team realized how cruel it would be to have someone eating a bacon cheeseburger or chicken sandwich in front of cows, pigs, and chickens. The menu was completely restructured to be exclusively vegetarian, but the problems kept coming. The animals would steal food off of people's plates, people kept geetting bitten, and the stink was awful. The restaurant closed after a week, and no one has attempted to ressurect it.
4. Pizza Art - Pizza Art was probably one of the best ideas in Hamville history that just never found an audience. It opened in April of 2003 with the premise of arranging the toppings into pictures. Diners could choose from a list of pictures that went with the toppings they wanted, or they could just request something new from the pizza artists. At first, it was a hit. However, the pizza just wasn't very special apart from the art on top. People began to get bored with the concept. After all, the art is nice to look at, but pizza is there to be eaten, not looked at, and since the pizza itself wasn't exceptional, people began moving on to other pizza options around town. Pizza Art held on until 2005, then closed its doors.
5. Y - Y was a disaster. In 1971, the restaurant opened on the strength of great buzz. It was going to challenge the traditional concept of a restaurant, and was based on a lot of the popular philosophy and trends of the day. On opening night, patrons came in and were instantly confused. The decor was abstract, the layout was bizarre, and frankly, no one had ever even heard of the foods being offered. The prices were completely outrageous, sparking criticism aimed at the owners' hypocrisy. Somehow, word got around on that night, and people began to argue what they owed, claiming that price was a subjective value and they should be allowed to pay what they want. Y made no money its first night, and on the second night, no one came. Y lasted two nights, giving it the dubious distinction of having the worst collapse in Hamville history.

The Global Village - International Cuisines

Here is a list of the 100 countries and principalities whose native cuisine is represented at The Global Village.

1. Afghanistan
2. Albania
3. Argentina
4. Armenia
5. Australia
   
6. Austria
7. Azerbaijan
   
8. Bahamas
9. Bangladesh
10. Belarus
11. Belgium
    
12. Bhutan
    
13. Brazil
14. Cambodia
15. Cameroon
    
16. Chile
17. China
18. Colombia
19. Costa Rica
20. Cuba
21. Denmark
22. Ecuador
    
23. Egypt
24. El Salvador
    
25. Estonia
    
26. Ethiopia
27. Fiji
28. Finland
    
29. France
30. Georgia
    
31. Germany
32. Greece
33. Grenada
    
34. Guam
    
35. Guatemala
36. Haiti
37. Honduras
    
38. Hungary
39. Iceland
    
40. India
41. Indonesia
    
42. Iran
43. Iraq
    
44. Ireland
45. Israel
46. Italy
47. Jamaica
48. Japan
49. Jordan
    
50. Kenya
51. Korea (North and South)
52. Kuwait
53. Laos
    
54. Lebanon
55. Libya
56. Luxembourg
57. Madagascar
    
58. Malaysia
59. Malta
    
60. Mexico
61. Mongolia
62. Morocco
63. Myanmar (aka Burma)
    
64. Nepal
65. Netherlands
66. Nicaragua
67. Nigeria
    
68. Norway
    
69. Oman
70. Pakistan
71. Peru
72. Philippines
    
73. Poland
74. Portugal
75. Puerto Rico
    
76. Romania
77. Russia
78. Samoa
79. Saudi Arabia
    
80. Scotland
81. Senegal
    
82. Singapore
    
83. Serbia
84. Spain
85. Sri Lanka
    
86. Sudan
87. Sweden
    
88. Switzerland
89. Tanzania
    
90. Thailand
91. Trinidad and Tobago
    
92. Turkey
93. Uganda
94. Ukraine
95. Venezuela
96. Vietnam
97. Wales
    
98. Yemen
99. Zambia
    
100. Zimbabwe

VS - First Bracket

For historical purposes, here is the very first bracket used by VS. It was a music tournament and lasted from January 5 to March 8, 2003. You can find it at VS Music.

VS

After a wait of about 15 minutes, the man at the front desk informed us that our table was ready, then told us confidentially that we were getting special treatment and should repay him by voting for Lynyrd Skynyrd. The woman walking us to our table told us that the man at the front desk said that to everyone and that we should get even with him by voting for Queen. Our waiter told us the specials and promised to rush them through the kitchen if we voted for Queen. A random busboy kept walking by the table, refilling our water, and waxing philosophic about the joys of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Across the room, we saw two employees get into a heated debate about the artistic merits of the rock epics “Freebird” and “Bohemian Rhapsody.” And, to top it all off, the Vernon brothers themselves both came by the table to make sure everything was OK, and to campaign for their favorite band - for the record, Jonas was rooting for Skynyrd, and Elijah was pro-Queen.

All in all, a typical night at VS*. Fiercely competitive, Jonas and Elijah Vernon grew up bickering with one another about everything. As children, Elijah would want peanut butter and Jonas would insist on balogna. Jonas wanted to watch Looney Tunes, Elijah wanted to watch Mickey Mouse. As they grew, their argument subjects became more sophisticated, but the disagreements were the same. Movies, sports teams, current events, actresses, music, etc., they disputed everything. Really, they didn’t even care what they were arguing about - their only agreement was to disagree about everything else.

As adults, Elijah and Jonas remained close but still remained contrary to one another. Jonas voted Democrat, Elijah voted Republican. Elijah married, Jonas vowed to remain a bachelor. Jonas drove a foreign car, Elijah insisted on domestic. And they continued to argue.

Finally, one of them came up with an idea. History will never know exactly who came up with it...true to form, both brothers take credit. However it happened, Jonas and Elijah Vernon made one of the few agreements they ever made - to open a restaurant dedicated to the argument.

Their competitive concept was fairly simple, but at the same time, it was fairly complex. Every day would feature a new argument between musical legends, in a tournament style set-up. They picked 64 different artists/bands and pitted them against each other in pairs. That very first round featured such match-ups as the Beatles vs. the Rolling Stones, Peter Gabriel vs. Phil Collins, the Doobie Brothers vs. the Allman Brothers, Aerosmith vs. U2. Brackets were put up to cover both the eastern and western walls (according to legend, the Vernons couldn’t agree on which wall to put the bracket on, and thus made their first ever compromise by using both walls). The winner of the tournament would be inducted into the VS Hall Of Fame. Then, a new tournament would start.

It was an amazing success. Employees quickly polarized themselves, realizing how much fun it was to bicker and get paid for it. Diners would come and get in on the fun by voting with their check at the end of the night. Elijah and Jonas made it a point to be there every single night, more to make sure the other didn’t sneak something than anything. A deejay came in to play the music of both artists of the night. With a grand total of 63 match-ups (32 in the first round, 16 in the second, 8 in the third, 4 in the fourth, 2 in the fifth, and 1 in the final), the tournament ended up taking exactly nine weeks.

The first tournament went off without a hitch, with the Beatles defeating Queen in the final to become the first inductee into the VS Hall Of Fame**. However, the second tournament threatened to undo the already tenuous partnership. Elijah wanted to use a whole new batch of artists, so the patrons would not get bored. But Jonas wanted to reuse many of the artists from the original tournament, remembering how difficult it was to decide on 64 the first time.

A stalemate might have destroyed everything. Fortunately, the Vernon’s mutual friend Stan Durd stepped in with a possible compromise. What if, for the second tournament, they come up with some new artists as well as some old artists (maybe the ones who had done very well in the previous tournament) and set it up that way. Then, for the next tournament, use a different concept.

Grudgingly, the Vernons decided the only way to succeed was to work together, and agreed to Durd's proposal. The second tournament was won by the Queen over The Beach Boys, and the third tournament began using movies. VS installed TV screens all over the restaurant for the process. Patrons were treated to various movie clips, with pauses in between each to allow for debate by the staff. Again, it worked.

In the five years of existence of VS, about thirty tournaments have been staged, using a variety of different mediums - music, movies, television, sports teams, actors, actresses, comic strips, and a brief experimental tournament where they had competing food styles.*** The Hall Of Fame is quite diverse now, with such greats as Humphey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, M*A*S*H, and Calvin & Hobbes looking out at the diners.

For the experience, VS is a wonderful place for the competitive geek in all of us. Food is usually standard American style, with burgers, sandwiches, steaks, southwestern cooking, salads, soups, and bread. You’ll meet the Vernons when you go, still quibbling over the littlest things, but it seems clear that they’re doing it with a good deal more civility than in the past.

*No one knows exactly how this name is supposed to be pronounced. Elijah pronounces it “Vees”, as in the initial of the Vernon’s last name. Jonas says “Versus.”
**Paul McCartney himself is said to have been “amused” at the concept and honor when he visited Hamville on tour.
***The set-up of this tournament was to have two major food styles - Italian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Greek, Indian, Japanese, or American - on the menu each night. The one that got ordered more would advance. The Vernons worked out a deal with the Global Village to have chefs come and prepare dishes for the night their food was featured. The tournament only took a week - the first round took four days, the second round took two, and the final took one (Italian beat out Chinese). The idea was so unique and such a departure that diners loved it, and the Vernons now plan to have a one week food tournament annually.

Cosmic Cheeseburger

May 4, 1987. It was a typical day in Hamville. Everyone was going about the business of preparing food, serving food, or eating food. No one knew what was coming.

It was the height of the dinner hour. A shrill whine could just be detectable. People decided they were imagining it and continued preparing/serving/eating. The sound grew in volume. People began to look around casually, noticed other people looking around casually, went back to preparing/serving/eating. The sound grew still louder. People could no longer ignore it, and stopped their preparing/serving/eating to try to see what was going on. When it became apparent that the sound was coming from outside, they poured out of the restaurants to see what was happening.

The sound was now deafening, and coming from the sky. When everyone looked up, they saw a bright streak of light plummeting towards the ground. The screams of the townspeople were completely drowned by the approaching object as it fell, and crashed with a massive explosion on the eastern edge of town.

The official search party (which included just about everyone in town that night) found a giant craft that seemed to have crashed on the edge of a field. The craft was silver and very smooth. It was unlike anyone had ever seen before, with its array of lights, windows, propulsion systems, and various other objects unknown to planet Earth. It didn't take long to surmise that it was from outer space.

When a door finally opened, a tall purple man emerged. At least, it resembled a man in most respects, other than its eyes where its mouth should be, and its mouth where its eyes should be. Plus, it had four arms. And pointy ears. And it seemed to be glowing. And it had seven fingers on each hand. And its feet resembled flippers. And it had wings. But otherwise, just like a man. That was purple.

No one spoke the alien's language, nor did the alien seem to be able to communicate with the residents of Hamville. However, a crude communication system was worked out over the next few months, and it was discovered that the aliens were lost in the wrong galaxy, had run out of gas, and had mistaken Earth for a planet that previously had had instellar connections. They had misjudged the atmospheric qualities, and had crashed.

They were anxious to get home, but unfortunately, it was estimated that it would cost more than quadruple the entire Earth's economy to get their ship working again. The planet could not afford to bankrupt itself for these visitors, and so they were stuck.

Well, if you're stuck for what seems like eternity in Hamville, what do you do?

Cosmic Cheeseburger opened in the alien spacecraft in June of 1989. The aliens offered all kinds of food, including a lot of recipes from their native planet of Thlunk (about forty-six million light years from Hamville). They, of course, had to make some substitutions in the ingredients, not having Snorks or Pitterpees here, but they found great use for mosquitoes and skunks.

They also perfected some Earthly fare, including their cheeseburgers. Now, I can't speak for the rest of the universe, but I will say their cheeseburgers are the best on this planet.

The Thlunkians have mastered English by now, and still serve their food. After almost nineteen years on Earth, they excitedly report that they have nearly earned a trillionth of the money it will take to fix their ship and fly home. They may get there eventually...apparently their life expectancy is several million times what ours is. In the meantime, go for a dining experience that is literally out of this world.

Well, I guess not exactly literally out of this world, since it is on this world. It's just the food is out of this world. But, since they use Earthly ingredients, maybe it's of this world after all. Maybe...you know what? Just go.

Club Noir

In 1945, one year after Hamville was founded, its first nightclub opened, known as Club Ham. It failed dismally. There just wasn't enough interest, what with all the other fascinating restaurants opening. The Club lasted about six months, then shut its doors forever.

In 1995, Joseph Mahma, the grandson of one of Club Ham's founders, opened the doors to a new nightclub on the same site Club Ham had occupied. The new club was not known as Club Ham. It had now been renamed Club Noir.

Club Noir promoted itself as a throwback to the old days, to when going to a nightclub meant hearing live bands, as well as dining and dancing in extreme luxury. The design of the extravagant new nightclub was a complete secret, and no one knew what they were going to get when they arrived for the grand opening on July 1, 1995. Formal dress was required, but it seemed like that deterred no one. The experience was billed as being one of a lifetime, and people turned out in record numbers. To this day, it holds the record for best attended opening in Hamville history (Days of Future Passed opened in 1954 with more people in attendance, but you really can't count them as most of the customers were from other times).

At precisely 7:00 pm, the doors opened. The first patrons entered, and those who remained outside were shocked to hear gasps and screams of shock coming from inside. As they nervously entered, they discovered what the big deal was.

The entire room was in black and white. Not only that, but as the patrons looked at each other, they discovered that they too had lost all color, and were now completely in black and white.

The effect was difficult to get over, but by the time the club closed at 4:00 am, people were hailing it as one of the greatest experiences in Hamville.

Mahma kept his silence about the secret of the black and white effect of Club Noir until 2001 when a former employee accidentally let slip that it was merely a trick with lighting. Since then, Mahma has allowed people to see the devices that create the illusion.

Club Noir, despite being tremendously expensive, remains one of the most popular attractions in Hamville. The food is exquisite, the music is lovely, and to most people, the black and white effect is still just as astounding today as it was in 1995. Mahma is currently attempting to build a disco in Hamville, much in the style of Studio 54 (without all the illicit activities going on behind the scenes), but even he admits it will probably never have the same appeal as Club Noir.

The Psychic Grill

If you've ever been to the Psychic Grill, you'll know that it's an experience like no other. If you've never been, there's no point in me trying to convince you to go, because they already know if you will or not.

In 1983, local seer Edgar Simon Percival decided to get into the restaurant business in Hamville by opening up a venture called the Psychic Grill. When interviewed about it, he simply said that it was inevitable. The small restaurant opened, and immediately reports came out that it was the fastest dining experience anyone had ever had. It wasn't that they were in and out so fast, just that their food was ready as soon as it was ordered.

Following is an interview conducted with Mr. Percival for this, the 25th anniversary of the opening of the restaurant.

BLOGLISH DINING GUIDE: Thanks for speaking to us, Mr. Percival.
EDGAR SIMON PERCIVAL: Thank you for following destiny's path.

BDG: Can you tell us how what a diner can expect when they come to the Psychic Grill?
ESP: Diners will come in and be seated immediately because we know their exact time. If they're planning to come at another time than we'll be ready, we call ahead to ask them to change their plans. A vast majority do, but some are stubborn and show up at the wrong time anyway.

BDG: Why is that?
ESP: Usually, it's a determination to expose us as frauds.

BDG: OK, so diners show up and are seated. What happens next?
ESP: Just like any normal restaurant, we take their order. We often get asked, as you were about to do, why we don't just serve their meals since we know ahead of time what they'll be ordering. The answer is the same as before...people are convinced that we're faking it, and if we served them before we order, they'd just insist that it wasn't what they were going to order.

BDG: That's dishonest of them. I mean, if they know they're liars...
ESP: But they can convince themselves that they're right. And they can convince others that they're right. Therefore, we let them order to protect ourselves. We get some very strange orders from people thinking they're pulling something out of left field they think we'll never anticipate. We do have a dedicated group of regulars who don't even bother with the menu anymore, just trust us to know what they want.

BDG: What kinds of food do you serve?
ESP: All kinds. We're a grill, so we mostly focus on meats, but we have vegetarian dishes as well.

BDG: How does the bill work? I assume you know the tip your customers will leave.
ESP: We do, but again, we leave it up to the customer. It's better if they think that they're in charge of that. We do get stiffed by some those customers who are convinced we're frauds, but for the most part, people are generous. We have a strict policy of serving everyone in the same manner, regardless of the tip they will leave.

BDG: I just have to ask...can you tell me what question I'm going to ask next?
ESP: I'm sorry?

BDG: The next question I'm going to ask you. Tell me what it is.
ESP: I'm sorry?

BDG: Perhaps I'm not making myself clear...
ESP: No, you are. That's the next question you're gong to ask..."I'm sorry?"

BDG: I'm sorry?
ESP: There you go.

BDG: Some of your critics attack you for using your psychic ability to run a restaurant and make money instead of exercising any civic responsibility and trying to prevent disasters. How do you respond to that?
ESP: The thing you have to understand is that psychic ability only works in concentrated doses. By focusing all the telekinetic energy into the Psychic Grill, we are able to work efficiently and accurately. If we try to spread the influence, the future becomes much harder to predict. Therefore, preventing an assassination or warning people in advance of a disastrous natural event is nearly impossible, while predicting what people will have to eat for dinner is quite easy, as long as we keep it within the sphere of the Grill.

BDG: Well, thank you very much for joining us today, Mr. Percival, and congratulations on a successful first 25 years. Will I be seeing you again soon?
ESP: Absolutely.

Amazing

If you watched TV at all in the late eighties-early nineties, you'll remember a show called "That's Amazing." It was one of those shows that is showed amazing feats, triumphs of the human spirit over nature and machinery, but it was really a showcase for idiots. You know, people whose greatest achievement was not being killed committing stupid acts. The show was immensely popular, and made a star of its host, Hamville's native son, Don Gibbons. His catchphrase on the show passed into the lexicon of the day. He would look at the camera and say, in his trademark slightly raspy voice, “That’s...” (here he would pause, close his eyes and inhale deeply through his nostrils, then would open his eyes and exhale the last word) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

In 1991, at the height of the show's popularity, "Amazing" Don decided to give something back to his hometown in the form of a restaurant. It was to be called "Amazing Don's", but that's all the input anyone could get out of him. Whenever anyone would ask him a question about the restaurant, he would always give the same response.

"Hey, Don, what kind of food should we serve?"
"Food that tastes..." (eyes closed, deep breath through nostrils) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

"Hey, Mr. Gibbons, how should we design the restaurant?"
"Make it look..." (eyes closed, deep breath through nostrils) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

"So, Amazing Don, any idea what theme we should have?"
"One that's..." (eyes closed, deep breath through nostrils) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

And so on. The designers were, of course, extremely frustrated by this, and finally settled down to work, resigned to the fact that they were on their own.

The design they came up with was fairly brilliant. Making a pun out of the "Amazing Don's" name, they drew up the restaurant to be a giant maze. Upon arrival, customers would be taken by way of straight outer passages, to one of six dining rooms located throughout the restaurant. Once in the dining room, they could not leave (bathrooms were attached to each dining room). They would order their food, enjoy each other's company, and when it was time to leave, they would have to find their way through the maze. There would be multiple paths that would lead to the exit, but many false paths as well. The designers also planned for an elaborate surveillance system so the staff could collect people that got lost, or who had not emerged by closing time.

"Amazing" Don hated the idea. He threatened all sorts of lawsuits, firings, and mutilations. However, once he had calmed down (and his lawyers had informed him that he didn't have a leg to stand on, having not given the designers any direction regarding the restaurant), he simply removed his name from the project.

Fortunately for the designers, the other investors loved the idea, and in 1994, the restaurant, now called Amazing, opened. To date, no one has gotten lost forever, though some people have vanished for several hours. Everyone is given a signal so they can let the staff know if they need help, but it doesn't get used as often as one might think.

Coincidentally, "That's Amazing" was cancelled in the same year. "Amazing" Don Gibbons faded from public sight, and ended up putting his remaining money into another Hamville restaurant called The Sixteenth Minute.

You Scream Ice Cream, part 2 - The Parlor Opens

For ten years after his death, Victor Ham's home on the edge of town stood only as a reminder of the past. But no one went near it. An evil aura seemed to surround the place. Children told stories that is was haunted and constantly dared each other just to run up on the porch and ring the doorbell. No one was ever brave enough to attempt the feat.

No one, that is, until 1973. On November 11 of that year, ten years to the day after Victor Ham died, two anonymous sixteen year olds were dared to spend the night inside. They lasted about an hour before tearing out, screaming. One was babbling about walls that moved, rooms full of bones, mirrors that reflected thousands of images they could not see, and the greatest ice cream they had ever tasted. The other never spoke again.

In 1974, a contingent of six restaurateurs ventured into the house. Three weeks later, five of them emerged, looking like they had aged ten years in the process. Their spokesman (Matthew John James, son of the legendary Peter Bartholomew James) gave a very shaky press conference, announcing that the current residents of Victor Ham's home had agreed to open the You Scream Ice Cream Parlor in that spot. After making this pronouncement, he fainted on the spot.

Details of the meeting between James' group and the "residents" have never been discussed, nor has the disappearance of the sixth member of the group, who happened to be Howard Ham, Victor's son-in-law. Nonetheless, the You Scream Ice Cream Parlor opened on November 11, 1974, the eleventh anniversary of Victor Ham's death.

It's impossible to describe an experience inside the most haunted ice cream parlor in the world. When you enter, you have to search for the actual parlor, and it's always located in the last room you enter. Real horrors await you behind each door, but in order to find the ice cream, you have to face them all. Be comforted, however, that as part of their contract, the "residents" have agreed not to hurt anyone.

The experience is well worth it, as I'm sure you will agree once you have found the parlor and have sampled their ice cream. It's as if the powers that made Ham's Creamery so good inhabit this house, and are finally being given a chance to show their true talent.

Be warned, however - every November 11, the place shuts down for an "employee party." If you attempt to enter on this night, you will not get out alive. A total of five people have tried it so far. None have ever been seen again.

You Scream Ice Cream, part I - The Tale of Victor Ham

In 1944, the town of Hamville was founded by the brothers Ham - Donald, Marcus, and Victor. They had a vision of a town that would enthrall the culinary world and bring in people from far and wide to sample exotic foods in unique environments. In this spirit, they invited many restaurateurs to begin eateries in the Hamville area, but the brothers started the town with their own places. Donald, the eldest, opened the Hamville Diner, which stayed open mostly due to its historical significance for 33 years before finally closing and becoming a museum of Hamville history in 1977, three years after Donald's death. Marcus, the middle brother, had more success with Ham's Deli, a sandwich shop that was the town's most popular lunch stop for nearly forty years. Marcus himself was working on new plans for the restaurant when he died in 1981, plans which were continued by his son Leonard. Ham's Deli closed in 1983, and reopened the next year as Sub Subs. Victor was the youngest brother, and it is the sad fate of his restaurant, Ham's Creamery, that led to the founding of the You Scream Ice Cream Parlor.

Ham's Creamery was universally acclaimed as one of, if not the greatest ice cream parlor in the world. Patrons were consistently amazed at the uniqueness of the flavors, and their superior quality. Victor was deluged with requests to package his product and sell it in a worldwide market, or at least to start a franchise. This was, of course, against everything the Hams stood for when they started the town, and Victor flatly refused every time an offer was made.

The Creamery thrived. Though many restaurants were appearing all over Hamville throughout the forties and fifties, still the Creamery remained the one place visitors could not get enough of. Victor's standing in the town, however, was always a source of contention among the residents. They would never discuss it in front of outsiders, but everyone in Hamville knew - Victor Ham was a lunatic.

Victor's house stood on the edge of town, with no neighbors on any side. While most of the Hamville residential areas were thriving, the area around Victor's house remained undeveloped. Passersby frequently noted the strange noises coming from the house, and the occasional bloodcurdling scream.

On November 11, 1963, Victor Ham was found dead in Ham's Creamery. He had not been seen in the restaurant for five years. At the age of 43, authorities did not want to rule out possible foul play, but it appeared that nothing was wrong. He seemed to have just died. The Creamery existed for another three years, but the magic was gone. Customers just couldn't find that spark in the ice cream anymore, and in 1966, the Creamery closed for good.

There was much talk about what to do with Ham's home. Some thought they could turn it into a museum, others wanted to tear it down and develop the area, others wanted put it on the market and allow someone to live in it. No one could decide, and the house sat in its place, untouched and falling slowly into disrepair, for the next ten years.

The Global Village

It seems fitting to start our exploration of Hamville with its oldest remaining restaurant, the Global Village.

When the town of Hamville was founded by the Ham brothers in 1944, they wisely decided to establish a tourist trade by building fantastic and amazing restaurants that people would undoubtedly flock to. A number of visionary restaurateurs were invited to the town to build restaurants. Among them was the legendary Peter Bartholomew James. James (known more affectionately as PBJ) created restaurants of such grandeur that even the creations of the Hams paled in comparison. Three of his restaurants are still open to this day - Time After Time, The Model Depot, and The Global Village.

The layout of the Village is much the same today as it was in 1947, though it is considerably larger. You walk in the front gate and are surrounded by a vast array of ethnic foods. As you walk around, you find that you have left Hamville and are now traveling the earth. Here's a booth from Italy, adorned with replicas of some of the greatest art in the world. Here's a booth from India, with a sitar player bringing in customers. Here's a booth from Brazil, with bright decorative costumes on their employees. And that's only three of the one hundred countries whose native cuisines are represented at the Global Village.

Once you've chosen your meal, you are given a numbered flag that represents the country. You are welcome to sample from several countries, but once you're done, you move into the dining area. It's a large open area with many tables, covered by a roof, but with flags from all the countries dotting the room. As you find your table and look around what others are having, your food is being prepared by master chefs in one of the largest kitchens in the world, an underground behemoth that covers one full city block. The chefs are from all around the room, and all are skilled in several cuisines. The general public is not allowed in this area, but insiders say that it is one of the busiest places on earth. Looking around at the always packed dining area, it's not hard to believe it. When your food is ready, waiters bring it to you, based on your flags, so be sure to have them visible. If you ordered from different countries, do not expect your food to arrive at the same time.

Is it possible that such a massive enterprise can be profitable? The Global Village is consistently the single most popular restaurant in Hamville year after year. When it opened, it only featured ten cuisines - American, Brazilian, Chinese, German, Greek, Indian, Italian, Japanese, Mexican, and Thai. It expanded to twenty-five in 1960. In 1975, the GV shut down for a two year renovation. PBJ himself shut down the five restaurants surrounding the GV (they were all his), and converted the land into a larger Global Village. When the restaurant reopened in September of 1977, 90 countries were represented. In 1989, the total reached 100, and has stayed there since. Some of the booths are understandably smaller than others, due to popularity (Afghan food, while wonderful in its way, has nowhere near the following that Italian or Chinese). The GV is the largest employer in the Hamville area, with approximately 1000 people working at a time. But, yes, they make their money back and then some. For PBJ, however, it was never so much about the money as it was about bringing the food of the world to Hamville.

Welcome to Hamville!

Welcome to the official blog of the city of Hamville. Hopefully, this dining guide will help you in planning a trip to our city by enlightening you about some of the many unique dining experiences you'll find within our borders. For those of you who don't know much about Hamville, the town was founded in 1944 by the Ham brothers, and has thrived on its food industry ever since. With visionary restauranteurs like Peter Bartholomew James and Jack Lumpkin, the restaurants are like nothing you've ever seen. We hope to entice your taste buds with the selection, and also hope to see you here soon.
-Dr. Worm, Mayor of Hamville