Thursday, February 28, 2008

VS

After a wait of about 15 minutes, the man at the front desk informed us that our table was ready, then told us confidentially that we were getting special treatment and should repay him by voting for Lynyrd Skynyrd. The woman walking us to our table told us that the man at the front desk said that to everyone and that we should get even with him by voting for Queen. Our waiter told us the specials and promised to rush them through the kitchen if we voted for Queen. A random busboy kept walking by the table, refilling our water, and waxing philosophic about the joys of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Across the room, we saw two employees get into a heated debate about the artistic merits of the rock epics “Freebird” and “Bohemian Rhapsody.” And, to top it all off, the Vernon brothers themselves both came by the table to make sure everything was OK, and to campaign for their favorite band - for the record, Jonas was rooting for Skynyrd, and Elijah was pro-Queen.

All in all, a typical night at VS*. Fiercely competitive, Jonas and Elijah Vernon grew up bickering with one another about everything. As children, Elijah would want peanut butter and Jonas would insist on balogna. Jonas wanted to watch Looney Tunes, Elijah wanted to watch Mickey Mouse. As they grew, their argument subjects became more sophisticated, but the disagreements were the same. Movies, sports teams, current events, actresses, music, etc., they disputed everything. Really, they didn’t even care what they were arguing about - their only agreement was to disagree about everything else.

As adults, Elijah and Jonas remained close but still remained contrary to one another. Jonas voted Democrat, Elijah voted Republican. Elijah married, Jonas vowed to remain a bachelor. Jonas drove a foreign car, Elijah insisted on domestic. And they continued to argue.

Finally, one of them came up with an idea. History will never know exactly who came up with it...true to form, both brothers take credit. However it happened, Jonas and Elijah Vernon made one of the few agreements they ever made - to open a restaurant dedicated to the argument.

Their competitive concept was fairly simple, but at the same time, it was fairly complex. Every day would feature a new argument between musical legends, in a tournament style set-up. They picked 64 different artists/bands and pitted them against each other in pairs. That very first round featured such match-ups as the Beatles vs. the Rolling Stones, Peter Gabriel vs. Phil Collins, the Doobie Brothers vs. the Allman Brothers, Aerosmith vs. U2. Brackets were put up to cover both the eastern and western walls (according to legend, the Vernons couldn’t agree on which wall to put the bracket on, and thus made their first ever compromise by using both walls). The winner of the tournament would be inducted into the VS Hall Of Fame. Then, a new tournament would start.

It was an amazing success. Employees quickly polarized themselves, realizing how much fun it was to bicker and get paid for it. Diners would come and get in on the fun by voting with their check at the end of the night. Elijah and Jonas made it a point to be there every single night, more to make sure the other didn’t sneak something than anything. A deejay came in to play the music of both artists of the night. With a grand total of 63 match-ups (32 in the first round, 16 in the second, 8 in the third, 4 in the fourth, 2 in the fifth, and 1 in the final), the tournament ended up taking exactly nine weeks.

The first tournament went off without a hitch, with the Beatles defeating Queen in the final to become the first inductee into the VS Hall Of Fame**. However, the second tournament threatened to undo the already tenuous partnership. Elijah wanted to use a whole new batch of artists, so the patrons would not get bored. But Jonas wanted to reuse many of the artists from the original tournament, remembering how difficult it was to decide on 64 the first time.

A stalemate might have destroyed everything. Fortunately, the Vernon’s mutual friend Stan Durd stepped in with a possible compromise. What if, for the second tournament, they come up with some new artists as well as some old artists (maybe the ones who had done very well in the previous tournament) and set it up that way. Then, for the next tournament, use a different concept.

Grudgingly, the Vernons decided the only way to succeed was to work together, and agreed to Durd's proposal. The second tournament was won by the Queen over The Beach Boys, and the third tournament began using movies. VS installed TV screens all over the restaurant for the process. Patrons were treated to various movie clips, with pauses in between each to allow for debate by the staff. Again, it worked.

In the five years of existence of VS, about thirty tournaments have been staged, using a variety of different mediums - music, movies, television, sports teams, actors, actresses, comic strips, and a brief experimental tournament where they had competing food styles.*** The Hall Of Fame is quite diverse now, with such greats as Humphey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, M*A*S*H, and Calvin & Hobbes looking out at the diners.

For the experience, VS is a wonderful place for the competitive geek in all of us. Food is usually standard American style, with burgers, sandwiches, steaks, southwestern cooking, salads, soups, and bread. You’ll meet the Vernons when you go, still quibbling over the littlest things, but it seems clear that they’re doing it with a good deal more civility than in the past.

*No one knows exactly how this name is supposed to be pronounced. Elijah pronounces it “Vees”, as in the initial of the Vernon’s last name. Jonas says “Versus.”
**Paul McCartney himself is said to have been “amused” at the concept and honor when he visited Hamville on tour.
***The set-up of this tournament was to have two major food styles - Italian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Greek, Indian, Japanese, or American - on the menu each night. The one that got ordered more would advance. The Vernons worked out a deal with the Global Village to have chefs come and prepare dishes for the night their food was featured. The tournament only took a week - the first round took four days, the second round took two, and the final took one (Italian beat out Chinese). The idea was so unique and such a departure that diners loved it, and the Vernons now plan to have a one week food tournament annually.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Cosmic Cheeseburger

May 4, 1987. It was a typical day in Hamville. Everyone was going about the business of preparing food, serving food, or eating food. No one knew what was coming.

It was the height of the dinner hour. A shrill whine could just be detectable. People decided they were imagining it and continued preparing/serving/eating. The sound grew in volume. People began to look around casually, noticed other people looking around casually, went back to preparing/serving/eating. The sound grew still louder. People could no longer ignore it, and stopped their preparing/serving/eating to try to see what was going on. When it became apparent that the sound was coming from outside, they poured out of the restaurants to see what was happening.

The sound was now deafening, and coming from the sky. When everyone looked up, they saw a bright streak of light plummeting towards the ground. The screams of the townspeople were completely drowned by the approaching object as it fell, and crashed with a massive explosion on the eastern edge of town.

The official search party (which included just about everyone in town that night) found a giant craft that seemed to have crashed on the edge of a field. The craft was silver and very smooth. It was unlike anyone had ever seen before, with its array of lights, windows, propulsion systems, and various other objects unknown to planet Earth. It didn't take long to surmise that it was from outer space.

When a door finally opened, a tall purple man emerged. At least, it resembled a man in most respects, other than its eyes where its mouth should be, and its mouth where its eyes should be. Plus, it had four arms. And pointy ears. And it seemed to be glowing. And it had seven fingers on each hand. And its feet resembled flippers. And it had wings. But otherwise, just like a man. That was purple.

No one spoke the alien's language, nor did the alien seem to be able to communicate with the residents of Hamville. However, a crude communication system was worked out over the next few months, and it was discovered that the aliens were lost in the wrong galaxy, had run out of gas, and had mistaken Earth for a planet that previously had had instellar connections. They had misjudged the atmospheric qualities, and had crashed.

They were anxious to get home, but unfortunately, it was estimated that it would cost more than quadruple the entire Earth's economy to get their ship working again. The planet could not afford to bankrupt itself for these visitors, and so they were stuck.

Well, if you're stuck for what seems like eternity in Hamville, what do you do?

Cosmic Cheeseburger opened in the alien spacecraft in June of 1989. The aliens offered all kinds of food, including a lot of recipes from their native planet of Thlunk (about forty-six million light years from Hamville). They, of course, had to make some substitutions in the ingredients, not having Snorks or Pitterpees here, but they found great use for mosquitoes and skunks.

They also perfected some Earthly fare, including their cheeseburgers. Now, I can't speak for the rest of the universe, but I will say their cheeseburgers are the best on this planet.

The Thlunkians have mastered English by now, and still serve their food. After almost nineteen years on Earth, they excitedly report that they have nearly earned a trillionth of the money it will take to fix their ship and fly home. They may get there eventually...apparently their life expectancy is several million times what ours is. In the meantime, go for a dining experience that is literally out of this world.

Well, I guess not exactly literally out of this world, since it is on this world. It's just the food is out of this world. But, since they use Earthly ingredients, maybe it's of this world after all. Maybe...you know what? Just go.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Club Noir

In 1945, one year after Hamville was founded, its first nightclub opened, known as Club Ham. It failed dismally. There just wasn't enough interest, what with all the other fascinating restaurants opening. The Club lasted about six months, then shut its doors forever.

In 1995, Joseph Mahma, the grandson of one of Club Ham's founders, opened the doors to a new nightclub on the same site Club Ham had occupied. The new club was not known as Club Ham. It had now been renamed Club Noir.

Club Noir promoted itself as a throwback to the old days, to when going to a nightclub meant hearing live bands, as well as dining and dancing in extreme luxury. The design of the extravagant new nightclub was a complete secret, and no one knew what they were going to get when they arrived for the grand opening on July 1, 1995. Formal dress was required, but it seemed like that deterred no one. The experience was billed as being one of a lifetime, and people turned out in record numbers. To this day, it holds the record for best attended opening in Hamville history (Days of Future Passed opened in 1954 with more people in attendance, but you really can't count them as most of the customers were from other times).

At precisely 7:00 pm, the doors opened. The first patrons entered, and those who remained outside were shocked to hear gasps and screams of shock coming from inside. As they nervously entered, they discovered what the big deal was.

The entire room was in black and white. Not only that, but as the patrons looked at each other, they discovered that they too had lost all color, and were now completely in black and white.

The effect was difficult to get over, but by the time the club closed at 4:00 am, people were hailing it as one of the greatest experiences in Hamville.

Mahma kept his silence about the secret of the black and white effect of Club Noir until 2001 when a former employee accidentally let slip that it was merely a trick with lighting. Since then, Mahma has allowed people to see the devices that create the illusion.

Club Noir, despite being tremendously expensive, remains one of the most popular attractions in Hamville. The food is exquisite, the music is lovely, and to most people, the black and white effect is still just as astounding today as it was in 1995. Mahma is currently attempting to build a disco in Hamville, much in the style of Studio 54 (without all the illicit activities going on behind the scenes), but even he admits it will probably never have the same appeal as Club Noir.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Psychic Grill

If you've ever been to the Psychic Grill, you'll know that it's an experience like no other. If you've never been, there's no point in me trying to convince you to go, because they already know if you will or not.

In 1983, local seer Edgar Simon Percival decided to get into the restaurant business in Hamville by opening up a venture called the Psychic Grill. When interviewed about it, he simply said that it was inevitable. The small restaurant opened, and immediately reports came out that it was the fastest dining experience anyone had ever had. It wasn't that they were in and out so fast, just that their food was ready as soon as it was ordered.

Following is an interview conducted with Mr. Percival for this, the 25th anniversary of the opening of the restaurant.

BLOGLISH DINING GUIDE: Thanks for speaking to us, Mr. Percival.
EDGAR SIMON PERCIVAL: Thank you for following destiny's path.

BDG: Can you tell us how what a diner can expect when they come to the Psychic Grill?
ESP: Diners will come in and be seated immediately because we know their exact time. If they're planning to come at another time than we'll be ready, we call ahead to ask them to change their plans. A vast majority do, but some are stubborn and show up at the wrong time anyway.

BDG: Why is that?
ESP: Usually, it's a determination to expose us as frauds.

BDG: OK, so diners show up and are seated. What happens next?
ESP: Just like any normal restaurant, we take their order. We often get asked, as you were about to do, why we don't just serve their meals since we know ahead of time what they'll be ordering. The answer is the same as before...people are convinced that we're faking it, and if we served them before we order, they'd just insist that it wasn't what they were going to order.

BDG: That's dishonest of them. I mean, if they know they're liars...
ESP: But they can convince themselves that they're right. And they can convince others that they're right. Therefore, we let them order to protect ourselves. We get some very strange orders from people thinking they're pulling something out of left field they think we'll never anticipate. We do have a dedicated group of regulars who don't even bother with the menu anymore, just trust us to know what they want.

BDG: What kinds of food do you serve?
ESP: All kinds. We're a grill, so we mostly focus on meats, but we have vegetarian dishes as well.

BDG: How does the bill work? I assume you know the tip your customers will leave.
ESP: We do, but again, we leave it up to the customer. It's better if they think that they're in charge of that. We do get stiffed by some those customers who are convinced we're frauds, but for the most part, people are generous. We have a strict policy of serving everyone in the same manner, regardless of the tip they will leave.

BDG: I just have to ask...can you tell me what question I'm going to ask next?
ESP: I'm sorry?

BDG: The next question I'm going to ask you. Tell me what it is.
ESP: I'm sorry?

BDG: Perhaps I'm not making myself clear...
ESP: No, you are. That's the next question you're gong to ask..."I'm sorry?"

BDG: I'm sorry?

ESP: There you go.

BDG: Some of your critics attack you for using your psychic ability to run a restaurant and make money instead of exercising any civic responsibility and trying to prevent disasters. How do you respond to that?
ESP: The thing you have to understand is that psychic ability only works in concentrated doses. By focusing all the telekinetic energy into the Psychic Grill, we are able to work efficiently and accurately. If we try to spread the influence, the future becomes much harder to predict. Therefore, preventing an assassination or warning people in advance of a disastrous natural event is nearly impossible, while predicting what people will have to eat for dinner is quite easy, as long as we keep it within the sphere of the Grill.

BDG: Well, thank you very much for joining us today, Mr. Percival, and congratulations on a successful first 25 years. Will I be seeing you again soon?
ESP: Absolutely.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Amazing

If you watched TV at all in the late eighties-early nineties, you'll remember a show called "That's Amazing." It was one of those shows that is showed amazing feats, triumphs of the human spirit over nature and machinery, but it was really a showcase for idiots. You know, people whose greatest achievement was not being killed committing stupid acts. The show was immensely popular, and made a star of its host, Hamville's native son, Don Gibbons. His catchphrase on the show passed into the lexicon of the day. He would look at the camera and say, in his trademark slightly raspy voice, “That’s...” (here he would pause, close his eyes and inhale deeply through his nostrils, then would open his eyes and exhale the last word) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

In 1991, at the height of the show's popularity, "Amazing" Don decided to give something back to his hometown in the form of a restaurant. It was to be called "Amazing Don's", but that's all the input anyone could get out of him. Whenever anyone would ask him a question about the restaurant, he would always give the same response.

"Hey, Don, what kind of food should we serve?"
"Food that tastes..." (eyes closed, deep breath through nostrils) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

"Hey, Mr. Gibbons, how should we design the restaurant?"
"Make it look..." (eyes closed, deep breath through nostrils) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

"So, Amazing Don, any idea what theme we should have?"
"One that's..." (eyes closed, deep breath through nostrils) “...amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.”

And so on. The designers were, of course, extremely frustrated by this, and finally settled down to work, resigned to the fact that they were on their own.

The design they came up with was fairly brilliant. Making a pun out of the "Amazing Don's" name, they drew up the restaurant to be a giant maze. Upon arrival, customers would be taken by way of straight outer passages, to one of six dining rooms located throughout the restaurant. Once in the dining room, they could not leave (bathrooms were attached to each dining room). They would order their food, enjoy each other's company, and when it was time to leave, they would have to find their way through the maze. There would be multiple paths that would lead to the exit, but many false paths as well. The designers also planned for an elaborate surveillance system so the staff could collect people that got lost, or who had not emerged by closing time.

"Amazing" Don hated the idea. He threatened all sorts of lawsuits, firings, and mutilations. However, once he had calmed down (and his lawyers had informed him that he didn't have a leg to stand on, having not given the designers any direction regarding the restaurant), he simply removed his name from the project.

Fortunately for the designers, the other investors loved the idea, and in 1994, the restaurant, now called Amazing, opened. To date, no one has gotten lost forever, though some people have vanished for several hours. Everyone is given a signal so they can let the staff know if they need help, but it doesn't get used as often as one might think.

Coincidentally, "That's Amazing" was cancelled in the same year. "Amazing" Don Gibbons faded from public sight, and ended up putting his remaining money into another Hamville restaurant called The Sixteenth Minute.